Rule #7

To be politically correct: The Best Way to Get Over Someone is to, In Fact, Get Under Someone Else

Initially this blog started as ways to piss off an ex. In that topic I have numerous theories on how to completely burn them from top to bottom. But as I was writing I quickly came to the realization that, hello, fuck the ex. Do they even deserve the time and effort in an attempt to piss them off? That is merely showing you still in fact care. Yes, we get a little snicker from their pain and sorrow. I may laugh at the fact that they my ex may have gotten arrested and in a bit of a money pickle of late. Fuck him, he deserves it. But, then I get thinking again how I still am not entirely over the whole situation. The unanswered questions are still unanswered, the phone calls have still been unreturned and I am still wondering WTF happened. Without going into THAT whole scenario, lets now review the appropriate steps one should take after such breakup occurs.

Phase One: The initial end. Denial. Why me?
Yes, you’re going to be upset, you’re going to mope and cling to the pillow for a bit. Do yourself a favor-Get drunk. Refer to Rule #3 and blame your drunk sexting on your friend that hopefully bought you all those shots. Its bound to happen sooner or later so just go out and get the misery out of the way. At least have your pity party under the influence. Whatever you do, do not in any way shape or form go to the bar he will be at…or heaven forbid works at. In that situation one and/or two things will end up happening. You A) word vomit in front of plenty of bar patrons on how much you miss them or B) further ruin your chances of ever seeing them again by making out with someone else right in front of them. Understanding that this blog is about eventually getting under to get over, during this initial period it is, by far, too soon for it to work appropriately.

Phase 2: Closing off; along with possible lesbian future (based on your hate for all man kind.)
Men, who needs them…any of them. You are now on a monochromatic schedule that probably puts you in bed at the same time every night. Your daily chores get done, because you have nothing better to do with your time, but be productive. You aren’t going out, your aren’t having sex, and you are 100% ok with all of this. In short your life blows. Oh wait…what life.

Phase 3: The itch.
Reality has not yet set in, but you what has…that little voice in the back of your head that your massaging shower head can’t shut up. You need to get laid.
This is one thing us women can never avoid after a certain amount of time. We can sit back and watch our slutty friends go home with numerous tools and shake our heads with disgust, but when this itch hits we secretly wish it was us dragging Mr. Mike Hawk back to our bed.
This is the key moment. Do I still know how to have sex? How the hell do I even hit on someone?
A) Let me assure you its like riding a bike, and for those of you that don’t ride bikes its like eating a hotdog (almost literally)…you just do it.
B) You don’t hit on anyone, because when you have been a man hater for so long, they magically flock to you. Its like a bitch in heat.

Do yourself a favor. Unlock your chastity belt, schedule a Brazilian, put on those little black panties, and just let it happen. Drop it like its hot and except the advances from any 6.3 and up. Let go for the first time in months, and you will feel miraculously better.

If you accomplish this last step right, remembering not to take him to your place, and remembering this was just you letting go, it WILL click. The old you will resurface (whether that’s a good thing, some may question), but the past will slowly melt away by your fire reigniting.