Rule #5

Rule #5: Never bring a One Night Stand back to YOUR place.

Coyote Ugly: A situation encountered after a night of consuming alcohol whereby a person wakes the next morning with a sexual partner from the previous evening who is completely physically undesirable and sleeping on one’s arm. The individual would therefore rather gnaw off their own arm than wake the hideous, sleeping, two bagger next to them; than have to face the ills of their intoxicated choices from the previous evening.

It’s bad enough you have to wake to such a horrid affair, now, how the hell do get them out of your house? You don’t. They shouldn’t be there in the first place. Never, take your one night stand back to your dwelling. Period.

Sometimes it’s sad that I have to explain this rule to people. But, never the less I find myself reminding people all too often. One, do you really want them to know where you live in the first place? Hello? Ever heard of a Stage Five Clinger? Well I have and it ain’t pretty. Two, they are there for one reason, and one reason only, to get your rocks off. Three, morning awkwardness. How do you “nicely” tell someone to get the fuck out of your house…Not to mention, if you didn’t get their name the night before.

Tap. Tap. Punch… “Ummmm yea, Hun… I have to work, you need to get up…Yes, I know it’s Saturday…yea, last night…Oh, I thought it was …great too?… uh, yea I need you to go…Yea, don’t forget your wallet chain… Um, I’d give you my number, but I don’t own a cell phone…That ringing? I don’t hear anything…” Please, spare yourself. Furthermore, if are like any of my friends you will be forced to scour your dwelling searching for any trace of evidence that a midnight romp took place before your significant other arrives, only to for them to find a bobby pin, sock, or a brunettes hair on their pillowcase.

If you are prone to slut tendencies (not judging), prepare yourself. A friend of mine, known for her friendly demeanor keeps the best trampy travel case I have ever seen: Trojans, dry power spray shampoo, travel Febreeze, a pair of thongs, conceiler, mascara, a pair of Quick Flats (slip on shoes), bobby pins, and her cabby’s card. Genius. She also carries a spare outfit in her trunk at all times.

It may be a tad bit embarrassing taking the Walk of Shame down to catch a cab, get your car, or quite possibly, a 3 mile hike across town during Friday morning rush hour. Never the less, you can sneak out quietly without a trace and the culprit will never know if you truly existed and resort to a Craigslist “Missed Connections” add.